October 24, 2009

The last dream I had in Los Angeles was a memoir of my late aunt prior to her passing. It wasn't until today that I made the connection with my journey. "In death, we are each reduced to our essence: the spirit we are when we are born. The trappings we hold on to our whole lives -- our race, our money, our sex, our age, our politics all become irrelevant." My aunt to became a child in that hospital bed, a spirit about to embark on an unknown journey, terrified and alone no matter how many of us crowded around her. In her final hours, even her skin seemed to loose its wrinkles and take on a fatal waxy glow. Then, the machines around us went silent as she left us to sqwuabble in the purgatory of the fles. Before embarking on my unknown journey to Turkey and it's culture, I lost all access to the superficialities in my life. I then was reduced to my race, the money şn my pocket, my femininity, my age, and my politics. Now that my spirit is undergoing change even those things have become irrelevant. I feel as if I am dying, fighting for life like a fish out of water. But this experience is making the best of me instead of taking the best of me. Requiring me to breathe deeper before tossing me back into my superficial sea. For I expect it to be my "near death"experiences here that teach me to live: teach me to live of my life and not simply in it! At times I to feel terrified and alone, and the support from my family here as well as in America can sometimes be insufficient while I try to grow from this experience. Sometimes I'll have to let these machines; phones, skype, email etc go silent and let them squabble in the purgatory of the flesh in order for me to squabble in the essences of my spirit. I feel like a bird with broken wings right now but I insist on flying ....even if it takes me another 8 months.